Malcolm In Tucson
by SandwichesHinderProgress
Summary: Malcolm's family goes to Tucson Arizona, home of Ron Snuffkin and the Gunderson Brothers, who try to keep their secret from them.
1. Chapter 1

Malcolm's family was traveling on the open road. The boys were asleep. Hal looked at Lois.

"It's been a while," he whispered.

Lois gazed at him for a few seconds.

"Stop at the next gas station."

Hal did as she said. When they got to the nearest gas station, Hal and Lois got out of the vehicle and ran inside the store. There was nobody there but the cashier. Hal and Lois ran inside the bathroom. The cashier could hear moaning. Seconds later, a robber wearing black clothes and a black mask ran inside. He pointed a gun at the cashier.

"Don't move! Give me the money!"

The cashier nodded and opened the cash register. He gave the money to the robber, who was also grabbing cash from the tip jar. As soon as the robber left, Hal and Lois walked out of the bathroom with smiles on their faces. Hal got out his wallet.

"You know what? You deserve a tip."

Hal left a twenty in the tip jar.

_Life is unfair._

"It's been a few days since we stayed with the Hecks in Indiana," Malcolm said to you. "Now we're in Arizona on Father's Day. We're gonna stop in Tucson to get Dad some gifts for him."

"This place looks nice," Hal said.

Ron Snuffkin was working at Sport Space. His oldest "son", Brandon Gunderson, age fourteen, also worked there. When none of the workers were near them, Ron asked Brandon a question.

"So did you send a Father's Day card?"

"We sent a letter saying a lot of things," Brandon said. "Since he's still gonna be stuck in prison, we decided to send him a letter reminding him about great memories. I miss him. What is life really about, Ron?"

Ron thought for a moment. Months ago, he would have had an answer. Since Gina broke up with him, however, he did not know the answer. Gina broke up with him because she could not handle the situation with the Gunderson boys. She did not want anyone to think that she was a criminal who supported what Ron was doing. Ron did not think that she was "the one", anyway.

"I'm gonna have to get back to you on that," Ron said.

"I've been wondering a lot of things lately. Do you think there could be something wrong with me?"

"Maybe. Actually, no. You're fourteen. It's normal for guys your age to wonder things. Especially if you're gonna enter high school this year."

"Don't even remind me. I'm worried enough as it is."

"You guys are good at taking care of yourselves. You'll be fine."

Malcolm's family walked into the store.

"What would you like, Hal?" Lois asked.

"You've already done A LOT," Hal said. "You kids can get me anything in this store as long as it's good."

Dewey found a soccer ball.

"Dad, remember when you coached our soccer team?"

"That brings back memories..." Hal said. "That one looks like it's deflating. Get me a better one."

Malcolm got the best hockey stick he could get.

"Here you go, Dad," Malcolm said.

"That reminds me of when I saw you play hockey," Hal said.

"Actually, you turned around when I played," Malcolm said. "Remember?"

"Oh, right. You said a bad word and I made you feel bad by telling you about how I held you when you were born, and then you said every bad word on that list."

"I don't remember you holding Malcolm right after he was born," Francis said.

Malcolm stared at Hal with an open mouth.

"Dad?"

"Francis, you were young," Hal said.

"But-"

Hal leaned in close enough to whisper.

"Shut up about that. That can be your Father's Day present to me."

Reese picked up a metal baseball bat.

"Cool," he said.

"Reese, you put down that baseball bat and give it to your father!" Lois demanded.

"Okay."

"Where are we gonna stay?" Craig asked.

"I don't know," Lois said. "We don't have enough money to spend on a motel. I wish we knew someone here."

"Hey, uh, you guys want to crash over at my place?" Ron asked.

"Really?" Lois asked.

"Yeah. Really."

"That would be great," Hal said. "I just hope it's not an inconvenience."

"It's no inconvenience," Ron said.

"What are you doing?" Brandon whispered.

"I don't know. It's Father's Day and they're being a nice family. I know it sounds weird, but I'd feel guilty about not letting them stay. I think I'm growing up."

"Gary's not gonna be pleased. Just pray that they don't find anything out about our situation."

"Don't worry," Ron said. "I'll handle this. Have I ever steered you wrong?"

"Yeah. Even your name is part of the word 'wrong'."

"You're right. Bummer. I might have to change my name."

Ron turned to the family.

"So..." Hal said.

"You guys can stay with us," Ron said. "How many of you are there?"

"A dozen or so," Hal said awkwardly. "I lost count."

"Okay..." Ron said.

He looked at Brandon with a worried look.

"This is amazing," Malcolm said to you. "I've calculated the odds of two families taking us in on a vacation, and those odds were pretty low. As you can see, this is a very rare occurrence. I might write a book about it.


	2. Chapter 2

Gary, age twelve, and Robby, age nine, were sitting at home, arguing over the TV remote.

"I wanna watch Cartoon Network!" Robby yelled.

"It's not even that great," Gary argued. "I'm watching the Discovery Channel!"

They were each trying to pull the remote control away from each other. Gary pulled the remote so hard that it went flying into the wall and got stuck in a hole that it created at that moment.

"See what you did?" Robby said.

"That would not have happened if you had not started whining!"

"I'm not whining!"

Ron and Brandon entered the house.

"We have guests," Ron said.

"Guests?" Gary said. "What guests?"

"We're having a family of a dozen or so over," Ron said.

"That's a lot," Robby said.

"I did not approve of this!" Gary said. "Why didn't you call me for approval? What the hell were you thinking?"

"You're not in charge of the house," Ron said.

"Guess what? I am. You know why? Because I'm the SMARTEST. Have you forgotten that? What if they figure out that we paid you to be our dad?"

"Are you calling us dumbasses?" Brandon asked.

"They are not gonna find out!" Ron said. "Be quiet. I can hear them coming in."

The family walked into the house.

"Wow," Susan said. "This is a nice house."

"Where's the TV?" John asked.

"Be polite, sweetie," Lois said.

"You must be Ron's other kids," Hal said. "Correct me if I'm mistaking."

"Mistaking?" Gary said. "Why would you be mistaking?"

"I have this curse where I make wrong assumptions."

"You're not wrong. You're right."

"Yep," Robby said. "We're Ron's kids. We love each other."

"You call your dad Ron?" Jamie asked. "I call my dad Dad."

"We live a different lifestyle," Ron said. "I let them call me Ron to show that we are friends."

"That's a bit odd," Lois said. "A parent trying to be friends with his kids."

"It's not odd!" Brandon said.

"It's just that it's been so hard since my wife left me," Ron said.

"I'm so sorry," Lois said.

"See what you did, Lois?" Susan said.

"It's okay," Ron said. "I've healed a lot."

"Let's all just be quiet and see what's on TV," Robbie suggested. "You wanna watch TV?"

"Sure," Dewey said. "That sounds like a good idea."

"Maybe I'm just being paranoid," Malcolm said to you, "but I think there's something weird going on with this family."

Later on, Ron and Hal were sitting outside. They each had a bottle of beer. The Gundersons watched from a distance to make sure that he didn't mess up.

"Thank you, Tucson," Ron said. "That's what I always say."

"I'm really sorry about your wife," Hal said. "Can't imagine how you must feel."

"I'm getting better," Ron said. "Let's just change the subject."

"Okay," Hal said. "So, what did your sons get you for Father's Day?"

The Gundersons looked at each other.

"Something really good," Ron said.

"Can I see it?" Hal asked.

"Well, I don't have it yet. But I know that it's good. They're good kids."

The Gundersons went back inside. Malcolm was in front of them.

"What's going on?" Malcolm asked.

"I'm hungry," Robby said before running away.

"I have to use the bathroom," Brandon said before running away.

Gary was left standing in front of Malcolm.

"Summer's a great time to be out of school," Gary said awkwardly.

"I am good at pretty much everything at school," Malcolm said. "I'm a genius. But I got picked on because of it."

"Some people just don't understand how important we are," Gary said.

"I know, right? It's like, why can't they just accept us?"

"I know! We are their natural born leaders!"

"Totally."

Brandon and Robby entered the living room and looked at Reese.

"You look familiar," Robby said.

"I do?" Reese asked.

"He looks just like that guy Barry!" Brandon realized. "Just with different hair."

"Who's Barry?" Reese asked.

"He's this guy that we paid to..."

"Babysit us," Brandon said. "And he was really mean. He mooched on us."

"There's no way that he was meaner than Reese," Dewey said.

"Unless it's my evil twin!" Reese suggested.

"Evil twin?" Robby said.

"Years ago, Reese found a boy who looks exactly like me."

"Dewey was his evil twin. Billy Prescott did things for people like mow the lawn."

"Billy?" Dewey said. "Barry? This is getting weird. Does everyone have a look-alike who's name starts with a 'b' and ends with a 'y'?"

"I don't know," Reese said. "But I would like to meet this Barry guy to see if I could kick his ass."

"We would also like to see that," Brandon said.

"You should have seen him hanging last year," Robby said. "It was funny."

Later on, the Gunderson boys were having a discussion in the room where Ron used to sleep. There was a box with wrapping on it.

"Okay," Gary said. "We are going to give this to Ron at Glenn's barbecue."

"You're never gonna believe this," Brandon said. "That guy Reese looks like Barry!"

"Barry?" Gary said. "The guy we paid to be our dad when Ron quit?"

"Yeah," Robby said.

"It's a good thing Ron came back," Gary said. "He took that manager job for us. And he's been with us since. I don't think he's noticed that we have not paid him in the last few months."

The door opened. It was Malcolm.

"I knew that something was up!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Let us explain," Gary said. "Our dad has been in prison and our mom left us. We needed to pay Ron."

"But, hiring someone to be your dad?" Malcolm said. "That's wrong?"

"Come on, Malcolm," Brandon said. "Haven't you ever done something wrong in your life?"

"Well, yeah. But I never did anything illegal!"

Malcolm turned to speak to you.

"Actually, that's not true. But I am trying to make a point. Any president would lie about not doing something to make a point, right?"

Malcolm turned his head back to the Gundersons.

"Please, Malcolm," Robby said. "Let Ron stay with us. He's been a great dad."

Malcolm thought it over.

"Fine," Malcolm said. "I won't tell anyone. Especially not my mom."

"Thank you, Malcolm," Gary said. "You are a great friend."

Later on, everyone was over at the house of Ron's friend Glenn. His wife Angela organized a Father's Day barbecue for him. Glenn was now the father of their one-month-old son Gabriel. Angela carried him around. There were some other neighbors at the barbecue.

"Being a dad is great!" Glenn said to Ron. "I can see why you decided to do it."

"I originally did it for the money," Ron whispered. "But I've seen that it has other benefits. The kids have been great."

Craig walked up to them to interrupt the conversation.

"Looks like you have a great kid," Craig said.

"He's really small," his son Peter said.

"So were you four years ago, son," Craig said. "You're gonna have a great life as a father."

"Thanks," Glenn said.

Francis and Piama looked at Gabriel.

"He is so cute!" Piama said.

"Isn't he?" Angela said. "I am so glad that I'm finally a mom. It is life-fulfilling!"

Piama looked at Francis.

"Let's have a baby."

"Coming Mom!"

Francis ran away in the opposite direction of Piama. Lois was right next to her.

"He doesn't think he's ready yet," Lois said. "And I'm not sure any dad does. But if you two have a child, I'm sure Francis will do his best to be a great father. And I know you'll make a perfect mother."

"Thanks, Lois."

Hal stood by the barbecue. Ron distributed some steak and hot dogs to him.

"That looks like some great beef," Hal said.

"Let me have some of that," Dewey said. "Don't worry. I won't eat it raw."

Francis ran up to Hal and Ron.

"Piama wants to have kids," Francis said. "I don't think I'm ready. I've been an irresponsible troublemaker my whole life. Mom was right!"

"I never thought I'd ever hear you say that, Francis," Hal said.

"Listen to me," Ron said. "I've been an irresponsible guy for the longest time. And it feels like I've had these kids for only a year. I didn't feel like I was a real dad at first. But I've gotten used to it. I care about these kids. Without them, I'd be some lonely fat guy. Having kids is not the end of the world, Francis."

Francis stared at Ron for a moment.

"You're right."

On the other side of the yard, the Gunderson's saw a man jump the fence. It was Barry.

"What are you doing here?" Gary asked.

"I'm here for revenge," Barry answered. "You snot-nosed brats are gonna pay for what you did to me. My plan took a year to think of."

"Because you're a dumbass?" Gary said.

"Shut up! I had a lot of ideas that I drew out, but then I realized that I didn't know where to get spikes or bazookas. Then I found out that what you guys are doing is against the law. I can get that guy who pretends to be your dad sent to jail."

"You son of a bitch," Brandon said.

"Watch this," Barry said. "Hey everyone! I have an announcement to make about these kids! They are liars! These sons of bitches have been-"

"Hey!" Ron said. "Don't talk about my sons like that!"

"It's funny you should say that, Rob, if that is your real name."

"It's not," Robby said. "It's mine."

"Exactly!" Barry said.

Malcolm turned his head to speak to you.

"That guy looks like Reese if he had a fohawk. Does he know their secret? I've got to do something!"

Malcolm turned to Barry.

"Hey! Have you met my brother Reese?"

"What?" Barry said.

"That's the guy who looks like you," Dewey said to Reese.

"Let's settle this once and for all!" Reese yelled.

"What are you talking about?" Barry said. "I don't know you."

Reese screamed and ran up to Barry. He punched him in the face multiple times. Barry tried to defend himself by kicking Reese in the shin. Reese kicked Barry in the balls, knocking him down.

"Nice fohawk!" Reese said.

"You're crazy!" Barry said before running away.

"You better run!" Reese said. "My name is Reese-"

"Reese!" Lois said. "What were you thinking?"

"Let it slide," Ron said. "That guy he beat up was nothing but trouble."

The Gundersons handed Ron a present.

"Happy Father's Day."

"It's for all the things you've done for us," Gary said. "Not because we overheard your conversation with Hal."

Ron unwrapped the present and saw Kiss boots.

"Gene Simmons had another pair of boots," Brandon said.

"My boys," Ron said before hugging them.

"You've got great taste in music," Hal said.

Later on, the Gundersons watched Dewey play his keyboard in their garage. Brandon showed demonstrated a chord.

"I don't know that much," Brandon said. "That's why our band never worked out."

"You are very talented, Dewey," Gary said.

"You'll do great at your music school," Robby said.

"Thanks," Dewey said.

"Time for bed, everybody," Lois said.

Most of Malcolm's family was in the living room. Francis and Piama were making a baby in Ron's old room.

"This has been a great vacation," Malcolm said to you. "I'm actually looking forward to the future."

Ron went to bed in his current room.

"Thank you, sons of Tucson," he said before going to sleep.


End file.
